So Grateful

SO GRATEFUL

I pretty much have to fake it,
                            act like
                                   I’m not
                                          new-
because I’m not.
Remind myself that far fewer
people are looking at me
than I think.  Like take the total amount
and then minus all.
And then uncross my arms.
                                          Relax.
And there’s this girl sitting next to me
with her arms crossed, looking
straight ahead, awkward, in a loose-fitting,
pink and black, pin-striped business suit 
and I feel like I should introduce myself,
but instead, I,
too, stare straight ahead while
trying
simultaneously to fake ease
and then, I’m so grateful
that the meeting’s starting
because that means no one else will come up
and hug me.
And now I’m listening and nodding.  Uncover,
                                    discover,
                                    discard,
the speaker says.
I need to remember that.  I also need to know
what to uncover.
After the meeting, I forget
how to act confident,
and leave right away.
I’m tired but I have to think.  Uncover
             discover,
             discard.
So, I drive to Karen’s house and then I’m sitting
cross-legged on her couch eating
eggplant parmesan, disclosing
so uncovering
             all the bullshit.
                                    I find out I’ve been blind
                                    to my own dishonesty-
as usual.  And she suggests
prayer cards
and even writes them up for me
while I eat.
She reminds me to bring God
into every aspect. 
Before I leave, she asks me if I’ve read The Artist’s Way
and also says she’ll text me the name
of the Carl Jung book
she told me about and I say thank you
and ask
if there’s any
writing assignment
I can maybe do to figure this all out
and she says no – I do enough of that
and she doesn’t mean writing, like this-
but enough thinking – analyzing.
She says, go like this, and she holds both arms
out wide, and pause.  And, she adds,
if you’re going to write, write with your left hand-
about anything.
I pre-pray
all the way home
without the cards
and stuff just starts
                     falling off
and I am lightening
but
     then I tighten again
     and repeat everything
over and over
so I can remember
what I’m figuring out
and then
I remember to put my arms out
                                           and just let go
                                           and take in
and so because I’m driving
I just put one arm out but it works and I hear
my own trio-phrase- an original
or probably God made it up:
                               See. Accept.  Do.  See.  Accept.  Do.
And I think I can remember that.